Let's Make This A Threesome

Every relationship you've ever had, has been a threesome.  You may have never noticed, but there are three parties in every relationship.  There's you, and what you need.  There's them, and what they need.  Then there's the relationship, which has it's very own needs. 

You must take care of all three parties for your relationship to flourish, and failing relationships always included one of three parties being neglected, or neglectful.  Let me show you why this must be true. 

We'll call a man or woman who's has too much self interest, a "Hawk".  Hawks are mainly concerned with how their relationship, helps themselves.  They always come first in their relationship.  Hawks certainly don't have confidence problems, but sometimes it leans more towards arogance.  They aren't at the mercy of their relationship, and can rebound easily from a breakup, but also can never truly give themselves to their partner.  Hawks can easily miss their perfect lover for many reasons.

A Slug is the opposite of a Hawk.  They are loyal to a fault.  They enter a relationship as themselves, only to transform into playdough once it's starts.  You can mold them into anything you want.  All a Slug wants, is to become exactly what you want them to be.  They are willing to sacrifice their own personal advancement, for the other person involved, and the relationship itself.  It can take a Slug a long time to recover from a realtionship, because they were "only trying to be everything" for the other person.  How could that person not want them?   Confidence, and personal improvement, are very attractive qualities to all people, but Slugs have none to offer. They mean well, but in the end, nobody wants a slug, because they have no backbone.

If it was just as simple as having two, healthy, happy, intelligent people, relationships would be much easier.  The third party, the relationship, has expectations also.  We'll call the relationship, The Judge.

The Judge has needs.  Judge's hate to be ignored, and expect time to be expended on them.  Judge's are going to progress forward, whether you like it or not.  They assume you will communicate in order to keep up with the brisk pace they set. Judges don't care if you can't keep up however, and will leave you in the dust.  When The Judge's needs are being met, they will remain almost invisable.  It's only when the Judge feels they are being ignored, do they come to the forefront, and make themselves a focus. 

You need to take traits from both Hawks and Slugs, and learn from both of them.  Like a Hawk, put yourself first in the relationship.  This just means, making sure you are currently happy, and exploring needs that stimulate you.  Make sure you are always advancing personally in your own life.  This will give you a natural, sexy confidence, and allow to move on easier, if the relationship were to end.

Give yourself fully to the other person, like a Slug would.  You can still advance your own life, and be there for the other person, but you just can't be there all the time, every time.  It's okay to be reliable, or think your significant other walks on water, but you need to stay balanced.  Give everything you can to them, but not an ounce more. 

Always keep The Judge in the back of your mind.  If you are doing great, and your partner is too, that doesn't mean the Judge's needs are being met.  That's why you can find yourself advancing, your partner advancing, but the relationship fails.  Like I said above The Judge expects you to expend time on them, and keep up to the pace they set. The Judge will forceably move your relationship forward, whether you like it, or not. 

Relationships are very difficult.  One person being too self-centered, and it fails.  One person being too submissive, and it fails.  One person not understanding that relationships have needs, and it fails. 

Taking care of yourself first is always the first step to a healthy relationship.  This will ensure you are at your best for your partner.  You can look back on a failed relationship, and truly feel confident, you did as much as you could have, rather than looking back with regret.  It's perfectly okay to say,  "I love my partner, but if they were to leave me, I'd be just fine."  This changes you from "needing" the relationship, to "wanting" it.

I want me, and my partner, to be negotiating our relationship from this position of power.  I want both of us, to be fine without the other.  I expect us both to be constantly growing, and changing, to keep ahead of the inertia every relationship has.

Most heartbreak is magnified by people not progressing themselves.   Regardless, it hurts to lose someone you love.  It hurts much less however, and for less time, when you are growing, and living the best you can. 

Are you, your partner, and your relationship growing together?

The Contemporary Dating Game

If you are a Man, born after 1970, and have had even minor success dating women, I want you to reach your hand up over your head, and give yourself a pat on the back.  From a male perspective, the dating game of today, is the hardest it has been since the dawn of humanity.  There has never been a harder time in history to attain, and keep a mate.

Think about it for a second.  It wasn't until about 150 years ago a women voicing for equality, even began to be heard.   Before that, as unfair as it was, Women were essentially the property of the man who provided for them.  For the most part their needs were basic.  They needed protection, food, shelter, and probably in 4th place, love. 

Photo by DigitalArt

Woman were used to being provided for, and Men were used to doing the providing.  Fast forward to today, and things have completely changed, and for the better I might add.  These changes however, have not made the dating game easier for Men, but harder by an order of magnitude.

A whole new host of outside factors have been added to a Women quest for a mate, but those factors I'll call mental factors.  These are factors that through the social changes of society, woman have added to their list of things they want in a mate. 

These mental factors, are decided, not innate.  Shelter, protection, love etc, those are things women need innately. Things like prestige, money, job quality, appearance, are now being factored in a woman's decision when choosing a mate.  To me these new external factors, are ruining a Woman's ability to choose the right mate for them.

The right mate, is always the one that makes you the most happy day in and day out.  They give you love without holding back.  They listen.  They are strong when you need them to be.  They cheer you up when you are down.  You can trust, and rely on them.  You are enamored with them.

Those are the traits that all Women want in a Man, whether they know it or not.  Not only that, if a woman chooses their mate based on mental factors, rather than their innate ones, the relationship will fail eventually, guaranteed.  The very act of choosing your partner based on these mental factors, rather than what you feel innately is what I call, "building a house on sand".  I've seen many of these relationships in my life, many of them appear to be successful, but they were born by a either party selecting their mate by their own criteria, rather than allowing thousands of years of history to guide them.

I've seen these types of relationships a thousand times in my life.  An example would be the overly attractive female, with the pushover boyfriend.  He chose her because she was gorgeous, and he wanted prestige.  She chose him because he had money, or a car, or she could control him.  Clearly a relationship that should've been aborted right from the get go.  Humans are amazing at fooling themselves though, as well as staying with the status quo.  People try to turn these types of arrangments, into relationships, with devastating consequences.

Photo by DigitalArt

The house these people build, can be beautiful.  Their two wonderful children can be the windows.  Their matching Mercedes' can be the doors.  Their successful business can be the beautful landscaping.  The whole house they are constructing however, is built on sand.  Their relationship was born for the wrong reasons, meaning nothing they accomplish, or do, going forward will matter.  The very foundation the relationship was built on in the first place, is rotten, and no amount of renovating will fix that.

In my single days, I would read many online profiles.  Many would want specific things, like tall, attractive, non-smoker, good job, no drugs, must love dogs etc.  I always kind of chuckle to myself when I read these criteria, knowing that if any of these women met a short, broke, ugly, smoker, who hated animals, and he actually knew how to take care of a Woman, they would fall head over heels for him, and throw all those bullshit mental factors, right out the window.

Women all want the same thing, though with all the terrible decision making, it's really hard to tell.  Women want to be in love.  Not the bogus love, born out of circumstance, and mental factors, the real, "fuck me right now before I explode" type love.  This type of love can be given by anyone, to anyone, who has a clear, clean perspective, good morals, and an understanding of what it takes to please the other person.  It does not take into account, appearance, money, status etc. 

You are allowed to be confused in this dating game.  You'll find two types of Women out there these days.  Women who are completely in touch with what their real needs are, and know what kind of a man that can provide it, and others who are misguided, selecting mates based on mental factors, which really have no bearing on what's important to their overall happiness.  The simple female needs, are being drowned out, by these mental factors, and it's confusing the game for everyone.

Make sure you don't build your house on sand.