Let's Make This A Threesome

Every relationship you've ever had, has been a threesome.  You may have never noticed, but there are three parties in every relationship.  There's you, and what you need.  There's them, and what they need.  Then there's the relationship, which has it's very own needs. 

You must take care of all three parties for your relationship to flourish, and failing relationships always included one of three parties being neglected, or neglectful.  Let me show you why this must be true. 

We'll call a man or woman who's has too much self interest, a "Hawk".  Hawks are mainly concerned with how their relationship, helps themselves.  They always come first in their relationship.  Hawks certainly don't have confidence problems, but sometimes it leans more towards arogance.  They aren't at the mercy of their relationship, and can rebound easily from a breakup, but also can never truly give themselves to their partner.  Hawks can easily miss their perfect lover for many reasons.

A Slug is the opposite of a Hawk.  They are loyal to a fault.  They enter a relationship as themselves, only to transform into playdough once it's starts.  You can mold them into anything you want.  All a Slug wants, is to become exactly what you want them to be.  They are willing to sacrifice their own personal advancement, for the other person involved, and the relationship itself.  It can take a Slug a long time to recover from a realtionship, because they were "only trying to be everything" for the other person.  How could that person not want them?   Confidence, and personal improvement, are very attractive qualities to all people, but Slugs have none to offer. They mean well, but in the end, nobody wants a slug, because they have no backbone.

If it was just as simple as having two, healthy, happy, intelligent people, relationships would be much easier.  The third party, the relationship, has expectations also.  We'll call the relationship, The Judge.

The Judge has needs.  Judge's hate to be ignored, and expect time to be expended on them.  Judge's are going to progress forward, whether you like it or not.  They assume you will communicate in order to keep up with the brisk pace they set. Judges don't care if you can't keep up however, and will leave you in the dust.  When The Judge's needs are being met, they will remain almost invisable.  It's only when the Judge feels they are being ignored, do they come to the forefront, and make themselves a focus. 

You need to take traits from both Hawks and Slugs, and learn from both of them.  Like a Hawk, put yourself first in the relationship.  This just means, making sure you are currently happy, and exploring needs that stimulate you.  Make sure you are always advancing personally in your own life.  This will give you a natural, sexy confidence, and allow to move on easier, if the relationship were to end.

Give yourself fully to the other person, like a Slug would.  You can still advance your own life, and be there for the other person, but you just can't be there all the time, every time.  It's okay to be reliable, or think your significant other walks on water, but you need to stay balanced.  Give everything you can to them, but not an ounce more. 

Always keep The Judge in the back of your mind.  If you are doing great, and your partner is too, that doesn't mean the Judge's needs are being met.  That's why you can find yourself advancing, your partner advancing, but the relationship fails.  Like I said above The Judge expects you to expend time on them, and keep up to the pace they set. The Judge will forceably move your relationship forward, whether you like it, or not. 

Relationships are very difficult.  One person being too self-centered, and it fails.  One person being too submissive, and it fails.  One person not understanding that relationships have needs, and it fails. 

Taking care of yourself first is always the first step to a healthy relationship.  This will ensure you are at your best for your partner.  You can look back on a failed relationship, and truly feel confident, you did as much as you could have, rather than looking back with regret.  It's perfectly okay to say,  "I love my partner, but if they were to leave me, I'd be just fine."  This changes you from "needing" the relationship, to "wanting" it.

I want me, and my partner, to be negotiating our relationship from this position of power.  I want both of us, to be fine without the other.  I expect us both to be constantly growing, and changing, to keep ahead of the inertia every relationship has.

Most heartbreak is magnified by people not progressing themselves.   Regardless, it hurts to lose someone you love.  It hurts much less however, and for less time, when you are growing, and living the best you can. 

Are you, your partner, and your relationship growing together?