Let's Make This A Threesome

Every relationship you've ever had, has been a threesome.  You may have never noticed, but there are three parties in every relationship.  There's you, and what you need.  There's them, and what they need.  Then there's the relationship, which has it's very own needs. 

You must take care of all three parties for your relationship to flourish, and failing relationships always included one of three parties being neglected, or neglectful.  Let me show you why this must be true. 

We'll call a man or woman who's has too much self interest, a "Hawk".  Hawks are mainly concerned with how their relationship, helps themselves.  They always come first in their relationship.  Hawks certainly don't have confidence problems, but sometimes it leans more towards arogance.  They aren't at the mercy of their relationship, and can rebound easily from a breakup, but also can never truly give themselves to their partner.  Hawks can easily miss their perfect lover for many reasons.

A Slug is the opposite of a Hawk.  They are loyal to a fault.  They enter a relationship as themselves, only to transform into playdough once it's starts.  You can mold them into anything you want.  All a Slug wants, is to become exactly what you want them to be.  They are willing to sacrifice their own personal advancement, for the other person involved, and the relationship itself.  It can take a Slug a long time to recover from a realtionship, because they were "only trying to be everything" for the other person.  How could that person not want them?   Confidence, and personal improvement, are very attractive qualities to all people, but Slugs have none to offer. They mean well, but in the end, nobody wants a slug, because they have no backbone.

If it was just as simple as having two, healthy, happy, intelligent people, relationships would be much easier.  The third party, the relationship, has expectations also.  We'll call the relationship, The Judge.

The Judge has needs.  Judge's hate to be ignored, and expect time to be expended on them.  Judge's are going to progress forward, whether you like it or not.  They assume you will communicate in order to keep up with the brisk pace they set. Judges don't care if you can't keep up however, and will leave you in the dust.  When The Judge's needs are being met, they will remain almost invisable.  It's only when the Judge feels they are being ignored, do they come to the forefront, and make themselves a focus. 

You need to take traits from both Hawks and Slugs, and learn from both of them.  Like a Hawk, put yourself first in the relationship.  This just means, making sure you are currently happy, and exploring needs that stimulate you.  Make sure you are always advancing personally in your own life.  This will give you a natural, sexy confidence, and allow to move on easier, if the relationship were to end.

Give yourself fully to the other person, like a Slug would.  You can still advance your own life, and be there for the other person, but you just can't be there all the time, every time.  It's okay to be reliable, or think your significant other walks on water, but you need to stay balanced.  Give everything you can to them, but not an ounce more. 

Always keep The Judge in the back of your mind.  If you are doing great, and your partner is too, that doesn't mean the Judge's needs are being met.  That's why you can find yourself advancing, your partner advancing, but the relationship fails.  Like I said above The Judge expects you to expend time on them, and keep up to the pace they set. The Judge will forceably move your relationship forward, whether you like it, or not. 

Relationships are very difficult.  One person being too self-centered, and it fails.  One person being too submissive, and it fails.  One person not understanding that relationships have needs, and it fails. 

Taking care of yourself first is always the first step to a healthy relationship.  This will ensure you are at your best for your partner.  You can look back on a failed relationship, and truly feel confident, you did as much as you could have, rather than looking back with regret.  It's perfectly okay to say,  "I love my partner, but if they were to leave me, I'd be just fine."  This changes you from "needing" the relationship, to "wanting" it.

I want me, and my partner, to be negotiating our relationship from this position of power.  I want both of us, to be fine without the other.  I expect us both to be constantly growing, and changing, to keep ahead of the inertia every relationship has.

Most heartbreak is magnified by people not progressing themselves.   Regardless, it hurts to lose someone you love.  It hurts much less however, and for less time, when you are growing, and living the best you can. 

Are you, your partner, and your relationship growing together?

My Investing Blog

I decided the best way to keep my blog focused, was actually to split it into two.  The information contained in Bangin's Believers will continue to have a self improvement focus, while my new investing blog, called The Dice, will have it's own new address at upsidesurprise.blogspot.com.

I'd love for you to join, and follow both, but also understand that certain people are only interested in certain advice.  Both blogs are equally important in my eyes, as they can both go a long way to improving your own quality of live while you are on this planet.

Stay tuned for much more to come.  I'm currently working on a fictional story, that I will probably have to release in three parts.  As usual any real life topic that bugs me, or pops into my head, will be discussed, and added.

Thanks for reading.

J-Bangin'

Bangins Believers banginsbelievers.blogspot.com
The Dice upsidesurprise.blogspot.com

Obsessed With The Best

It must be possible to have a thought, that no one else has ever had before.  New ideas seemingly come out of nowhere, but the brain produces a new idea at some point, or there would be no human progression at all.  I find it fascinating that at any one moment in time, one of us, could have a completely original idea, that could change the course of history.

I would bet the breakdown of original ideas, goes something like this.  The majority of people never have a truly, original thought.  Remember we are talking thoughts that no person throughout history has ever had, those should be considered rare.  The people that are lucky enough to have a completely original thought, probably have many, many more in their lifetime.  It would not surprise me if the majority of original thoughts, we're created by only 5% of the total population, alive or dead.

These great thinkers had minds that weren't closed, and weren't impacted by negative energy.  The better condition your mental state, the better the ecosystem for a great idea to formulate.  It's proven fact that our brains function much more efficiently in a positive mental state, then a negative one.  An overall negative perspective, a general lack of intelligence, or past trauma, all would negatively affect original thought.

Thought itself should be moral, pure, and unbiased.  Children have some of the greatest ideas, because they are not taking into account so many different variables.  A lot of times, the simplest thought, is actually the most correct one.  Let's say it's Christmas Day.  Your whole family is getting together, but there's a bunch of in-fighting.  People are getting grouchy because the food is delayed.  Everybody is bitching.  A frustrated 5 year old might pipe up "could you guys just please, stop fighting, and be nice to each other?"

It's a simple thought, a simple solution, and a simple question, but it carries a ton of weight.  In this case a 5 year old would be the wisest person in the room.  The idea itself is perfect.  It reminds you how petty your squabbles are.  It reminds you how much you love your family.  It reminds your of what's important.  Best of all, if you listen, the time your currently having, would improve substantially, right now, in the present.  They might not be able to articulate it as well, but there idea is better than yours, and they are only 5 years old.  Don't get too hung up on the source of the message, as long as, it is moral, and unbiased.

I suggest I have had truly original thoughts, no matter how stupid the thought itself might be.  There are times when I stop myself, inside my own brain, and think "I know no one has ever had this thought before, ever." That's a pretty magical thing really.  I don't take it for granted.

I'm obsessed with the best.  People use words like "best" lightly all the time.  "You're the best." They might say.  But am I?  Am I really the absolute best?  Probably not.  But, someone has to be.

Right now on this planet there is someone who is the best.  It can only be one person of course because the best is singular.  If another person somehow became better, the person who used to be the best, would now be 2nd best.  But that person really isn't 2nd best, because as soon as this new person became the best, they actually became "2nd to the best".  They are no longer a best, they aren't even a 2nd best, because that implies, they are some form of best, however, we know this to be impossible.

You have to be thinking outside the box, and I'm suggesting most never do.  Who has had the best kiss?  The best love?  The best sex?  The best time?  All these questions have real answers.  Real people behind them.  Is there really only one person who has had the best kiss ever, Bangin?  Yes, absolutely, and it was the freakin' best kiss ever.

But people having sex, or kissing, that takes two people, so really two people experienced the best right?  Nope.  Are you certain your reading carefully enough?  Even the same two people, who share the best kiss, only one of them, truly experienced, the best kiss ever.  The best is singular in every regard.  One of them enjoyed the kiss more than the other, and that person, had the best kiss.  Get it?

I wonder who had the best bacon and eggs ever, before the year 1900?  This is my attempt at proving, completely original thought can happen right now.  Do you think anyone else has had this thought before? At first glance, I'd say no, but there are billions of people, so who can say for certain?  If a thought this ridiculous, isn't original, you can imagine how difficult it is, to truly have an original thoughts.

Great thoughts are formed the same way as stupid ones are;  by being open minded, and focusing your thoughts.  I imagine many seemingly dumb ideas, have led to absolute breakthroughs.

New thoughts are magical, even stupid ones, because they expand your mind.  A seemingly stupid, or funny thought, no one has ever had, could lead into full blown innovation very easily, when you keep your mind open.  You could think up a new joke, that leads you to a solid business idea.  Or you could tell that joke to someone, and they could run with it, forming a new idea.

Original thinking is important to me.  I'm thankful I have been born in an environment that has given me every opportunity to expand my intellect, in a safe, supportive  environment.  Original thought is about the most amazing thing you can leave on this planet.  The problem is, you have to be brave enough to speak up, and get people to hear you.  If your thought is completely original, and no one ever hears it, it will guaranteed have no impact.

It takes a massive amount of guts to have an original idea, but even more guts to voice it.  Look back through history, people that have gone against the grain, for the most part, haven't faired so well.  Humanity as a whole, resists change, and resists new ideas.  I want you to be someone who speaks up for what they believe in, even when it's difficult.  Also keep your mind as open as possible.  For each great new idea humanity has had, there are probably five more, that were buried, because humanity is a bad incubator for original ideas.  Our natural reaction is to condemn and discredit, rather than support, and inquire.  The road less travelled is absolutely the hardest one, no doubt about out it, but I wouldn't trade it for the street in a million years.

5 Simple Rules for Starting a New Age Religion

History is littered with examples of what works, and what doesn't, when it comes to organized religion.  I thought it'd be fun to theorize what traits a new age religion might have.  Many religions are having trouble growing a membership base in today's environment.  My guess is the more you align your new age religion with my 5 simple rules, the more people you'll find interested in your cause.  Throwout every preconceived notion you have about what religion is, and let's go back to basics.  Here's 5 rules for starting a new age religion...

No Money

At no point when making this religion will we make, or accept money, even if it's charitable.  It's not just about the natural greed, money has surrounding it.  By accepting money, religions are forced into certain decisions, which are counterproductive to being successful.  If I give your religion money, and others do to, what would you do with it?

Maybe you would open a bank account, and put the money in there.  Sounds reasonable to me.  So now your new age religion has a decision, about how to spend that money.  Who's going to make those decisions?   What are we going to spend the money on?

Accepting that money has forced you down a path, maybe you never wanted to go down.  You need a place to put that money.  You need people to spend it.  You need ways to spend it.

The only interest true religion has, is to spread it's word, so that as many people as possible, can benefit in a positive way.  If your message is a good one, naturally, the more people that believe it, the more the impact that positive message with have on humanity.  I have trouble seeing how mixing money into the equation is a net benefit for your new age religion.  Sure, you can have money to expand operations, but you also have to deal with business, which brings many negative implications, like needing a hierarchy, greed, corruption, and power.  Your religion doesn't need any of that involved, so let them keep their money.

No Churches


In order to have churches and locations, you would need money.  You don't have any.  You need to think outside the box in terms of organization.  The internet would be a perfect organizer for a new age religion.  You can find programs that can organize people, and make communicating easier, many for free.  The power of people networking, heavily believing in anything, is incredibly powerful.  If the message was clear, and positive enough, I'm sure your new age religion would grow easily.

As the religion grew, possibly some of the members would have locations or areas, that different people, in different places, could use to meet.  Volunteering land, time, a good laugh, or a shoulder to cry on, all seems safe to me.  While I can respect, and picture, a new age religion working strictly on the internet, meeting each other is important I think.  Bonds are more strongly built in person.  Your religion should have a sense of community, without ostracizing, non-members.

Whether you like it, or not, if you have locations and income, you may be a church, but you are also a business.  Your new age religion should understand to stay as far away from business as possible.

Sex Is Okay


If people are forced to restrict natural human emotions, you will always see something occur in society to counter-balance it, and it will be negative.  This happens both on an individual level, and in masses.  Marijuana is one example.  A certain amount of humans developed a want for marijuana.  Nobody decided for them that they liked it, but they tried it, and made the decision they wanted more in future.   An outside force comes along, that restricts that natural human emotion.  They lie about the effects, and make it illegal, to curb usage.  Our result?  Wide spread availability through a huge black market, generating zero taxes.  Gang, and turf wars.  Huge expenses through our judicial system.  Zero quality control.

Not exactly a success in my opinion.  Restricting natural human emotion, will equal negative consequences.  Ask a priest to restrict his natural human emotions, and I don't need to tell you the results.

Besides sex is okay, in fact, it's awesome!  My religion would make it very clear, that consensual sex, between two loving, mature people, would be encouraged.  If it feels good, and it doesn't hurt you, or anyone else, I say do it.   It's never been the sex anyone has had an issue with anyway.  They dislike young people having sex, teenage pregnancy, STDs, rape etc.  What does any of that actually have to do with sex?

I'm glad the age where when we didn't want our kids to do something, we just straight lied to them, appears to be over.  Kids are just too savvy, now days, too connected, to have the wool pulled over their eyes so drastically.  Lying to people, as an ends to justify the means, is wrong, and it just plain doesn't work.  Your new age religion will go without all that.

No Denouncing

Whatever your version is, you have to allow for others to have a different view, and you have to respect it.  We said above that "the only interest true religion has, is to spread it's word, so that as many people as possible, can benefit in a positive way".  This means of course, my new age religion has zero concern about what any religion is doing.  What that religion is off doing, and believing, has no interest to my new age religion.   All my religion cares about is spreading the word, and benefitting as many people as possible.

That means my religion will never say your religion is wrong.  It makes it impossible to have an us, versus them, mentality.  They have a right to believe whatever they want, and so do we.

I would say it's impossible for one religion to be mad at, or condemn another religion, would't you?  That sounds much more like a human emotion to me.  Your new age religion certainly won't make people feel stupid, for believing something different than you.

No Converting Pressure

If your religion is that life expanding, and awesome, you shouldn't need the hard sell.  What would you say if you saw a group of seemingly happy people, getting together for BBQs, playing games, and giving back to the community?  You probably be like, what are those guys doing?  Looks fun, maybe I'll see if I can join.

Let's not overcomplicate the process.  Your new age religion needs no sales pitch.  You're not trying to recruit, if it happens, it happens.  You will understandably be excited about your message, your people, and your own journey. Understand though, you aren't looking to impose your will, or pressure people in any way.

This means no weekend doorbell rings at 8am.  Have your new age religion simply present the information, and let the potential member make up their own mind.


Conclusion


I was going to suggest you formulate your new age religion's version of creation, based on science, and proven fact.  My thinking is it would be an easier sell in today's day and age, but I also realized in saying that, I was actually showing too much of my own personal bias, and an overall incorrect thinking.

Whether your religion even chooses to attempt to explain the universe's creation is totally up to you.  It's certainly not up to me, to tell you what to believe in.  Regardless of what explanation your new age religion can muster, it will never be as important as what your message for today is, and the action your new age religion takes. How your members behave will have much more of an impact on membership, than having the perfect answer, ever will.

The most important rule not listed is you have to have a respect for every single person, and creature on this planet, and their right to exist.  I can assure you, the God that created this wonderful world, doesn't play favourites.

I wrote these rules to help you avoid some of the pitfalls that might come with starting a new age religion.  I'm certain all religions started out with their compasses pointed due north.  Combine my rules, with a whole bunch of general happiness, love, and understanding, and I'd be shocked if your new age religion, can't both stand the test of time, as well as inspire millions.

The Race Disgrace

I'm stumped as to why the human race has had so much racial in-fighting, throughout their history.   It appears obvious to me at this point, that every single race is merely, a product of their environment, with some help from evolution along the way.  Are humans just naturally fearful of anything different?

We are all humans in the end.  You look, and act, the way you do, because of where your ancestors came from.  It's not a coincidence that people from the extreme heat of India, have darker skin, or that Russians are more pale by comparison.  As you move towards the equator, skin tone darkens to protect the person who has to endure the environment.  This happens over hundreds of generations, and to me, that adaptability is a beautiful thing. It something to be cherished, not ridiculed.

The way humans have viewed racial differences over the years, is disgraceful, all things considered.  The good news is I feel we are headed in the right direction.  The invention of the internet, has made this world infinitely smaller.  People from all over the world will read this text, in many different languages.  There is no doubt this generation will be exposed to more cultures in their life time, than any ones to come before them.  Forty years from now, if you're still around, I guarantee, you personally, will have friends you talk to in countries you would never imagine.  The world is shrinking every single day.

Imagine back even 100 years ago, how many different races would you meet in your lifetime?  10?  5? The number today is probably in the hundreds.  It forces you to judge people based on "the content of their character".  Or at least it should.  It's much easier to say, "I hate (insert any race here)" when they aren't coming to your porch with spongecake, looking normal, and actually seem really nice.  We all have to work at multiculturalism, and as we do, it will become easier, and easier.  

It's very rarely I suggest you believe in anything.  Look back in my posts, I'm not trying to tell you how to think.  I'm just simply want you to question everything.  Personally in my own life, you either align with some simple core beliefs I have, or you can hit the road.  There is a big difference between imposing your beliefs on someone, and leading by example.

You must stand stand for peace.  When I close my eyes at night, I'm proud of this world, but my vision for this earth, is much more beautiful.  Things like happiness, and love, do not thrive in a war-torn environment.  It's impossible to create a stable environment for all, when buildings are being destroyed, and people are dying.  That brings out feelings like sadness, regret, and anger.  The exact opposite of what we are trying to accomplish.  If your beliefs cause anarchy, your beliefs are foolish.  You cannot make peace with war.

You must live, and let live.  This can be difficult because humans are so naturally judgemental.  It very hard to be open minded, but always give people the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe you believe all people under the age of 18 are dumb, and have nothing really valuable to say.  The real truth is maybe most youth can't impress you, but they'll be a few that blow you away.  A more extreme example...  You see any 50 year old man, out with a 25 year old girl, being cuddly.  You can't call him a pervert.  You can't assume she's a hooker.  You can't be grossed out by it.  You can't even think it's wrong.  The fact is, there's a chance, maybe you would consider it small, but a chance exists nonetheless, that these two are completely happy.  They might love each other to death.  They could go home, have so much in common, and have the best sex ever.  She could be from a great home, and just really likes some of his qualities.  He could be attracted to her other reasons than her appearance, maybe she's very intelligent, and ahead of her time.   Maybe the situation caught them both off guard, but they are both very happy.  If all those things were true, would it change your opinion?  The truth is your opinion doesn't matter here.  If all those things are true, then those people are doing nothing but being themselves.  Going with their hearts.  Spreading, dare I say it, love.  It can't be wrong.

Mind you this is just one extreme example, but I'm guilty of this all the time as well, in many areas of my life.  I'm in the habit now of correcting myself, or challenging my thinking, and you should to, at least until you have all the facts.  To jump to any conclusion, without proper knowledge of the peoples character is a mistake, and just because a mistake is common, does not make it acceptable.  

You need to be concerned with the next generation.  We need to live with concern for the future.  A successful generation should be measured by how empowered the younger generations are, and what state the humanity is in, when your generation is gone.  As you progress through these stages of life, make sure you are helping the best way you can to improve the world overall.  See you can either be a part of the problem, or part of the solution.  You can't be both.  You are either a net positive to this planet, or a net negative.  Simply living your life with an open mind, happily, free of bigotry is enough, you don't need to teach a kid math, or anything like that.  There's a saying we all know, "What goes around, comes around", meaning what you put out, you'll get back.  I like to expand that over all of us collectively.  What we all put out, we get back.

Everything you do, everything you think, has consequences.  Consequences that quite possibly could echo through time, long after you are gone.  It is disgraceful how collectively, we stereotype each other.  To prejudge anyone based on their race, sex, age, or appearance is an absolute travesty.  It limits you.  It limits us.  You create racism, sexism, ageism by prejudging people. Your prejudgement, and closed mindedness will affect you too.  It might stop you from seeing that area of the world, you'd actually love, or cause you to miss a key piece of advice in your own life.  The impact could be huge.

You may have met 10 people in a row of a certain race, that are complete jerks, and you should patiently waiting, for just one to prove you wrong.  You do this not because you are foolish.  You do it, because you understand that in the end we are all humans.  All races have jerks.  All races have people you would absolutely love to be around.  Maybe the gift to the future, from this generation, could be true multiculturalism.  If you think relatively, we are still at the forefront of advancement in this area, and have a lot of room for improvement.  Our actions today, will have an impact on how society works together going forward.  The first step is actually pretty easy, we all just need to stop being so damn judgemental.

Star North

Days are long, pushed on strong,
The year, nearly done.
Darkness reigns, wisdom gains,
A year, clearly won.

Remember back, reflect, relax,
Love ones, of your choice,
Take things back, you can't retract,
Use more ears, than voice.

Cheer the ghost, make a toast,
Tonight can't last forever,
Make the most, stand a post,
You've seen harsher weather.

-JBangin

Photo by Suphakit73

The Fall of the Immortal

Sometimes people can be so blinded by a seemingly good idea, that they'll fail to see the apparent downside in it.  This is magnified when emotions are involved.  For every action, a reaction.  For every cause, an effect.  Changing something even for the positive, will have some form of negative effect.  These can range from obvious to nearly impossible to see.  It certainly doesn't mean that the idea is not sound, or that it shouldn't be done immediately, but failing to see any inherent downside, is a gross mistake.

Maybe you live in an area where using a cell phone, while driving, is banned.  I do.  There's a number of reasons I dislike the law, but I'll save for another blog someday.  The idea is what's important.

I fully support the notion that people should be concentrating while driving a 3000 pound hunk of metal, at speeds nearing 100 miles/hr.  That's just good safety.  However, you have to consider the negative effects just as greatly.

The downsides are usually more difficult to anticipate.  Driving and talking, allows you to fit in those dialogues for both business, and personal, turning a meaningless task, into something productive. In a grander scale it could impact economic activity, and economies.   It also gives law enforcement an impossible to argue, justification, for a pulling a civilian over, "I thought I saw him talking on their cellphone", infringing on your rights.  Is it possible that people pulling over to answer their phones, could cause the same amount, if not more accidents?

I like to poke holes in arguments, it's what I do.  I dig down deep, to see what's inside.

Do we protect a relatively slight few from doing this certain activity, or allow everyone to fend for themselves, and take our chances?  Notice how now a seemingly good idea, is now almost equally weighted?

We have to make sure that the scales are tipped in one direction.  We have to be certain of it.

Take Immortality for example.  I love the idea of Immortality.  I'd love to be running around in a toga, invulnerable, shooting lightning bolts, until the end of time, wouldn't you?  You could see and do, everything you ever wanted.  You could live to the end of time, if there was one.

Well, not so fast.  If everyone was Immortal, this planet would be over-run with Immortals in no time.  We'd have people who would have opinions formulated thousands of years ago.  Think of how stubborn they'd be.  Try to get them to use a computer.  Think about the perspective of the oldest, angriest, old cook you've ever met, but 40,000 years more grumpy.

If you were the only Immortal, you be the star of the show...  All the time.  Everyone, would idolize you endlessly.  No doubt you would be a god on earth, with unlimited power, and riches.   Humans, animals, and weather would be your only things to play with.  As you got older, and smarter, humanity would seem infinitely more ignorant.   You'd probably start to feel empty inside, and bored with life.  However, the end would never come.  Still sound like fun?

I mentioned in "We are All-Stars" that change is essential to the excitement in life.  "The Power of Positive Thinking" told us that we might just be able to impact our future, with our minds.

Ideas are difficult things.  Sometimes, a burst of excitement, or passion, can spark us in one direction or another.  I always want you to consider the cause, and effect, of everything.  Especially things, that seem completely one sided, and obvious.  This alone can widen your perspective.  It can be very difficult to put yourself in the shoes of someone you greatly dislike, but sometimes that perspective changes your actions, and therefore the direction of your life.

There's an old saying, "There's two sides to every argument."  In my experience, a strong, and a weak one.  Each time this situation arises in your life, I want to look at it objectively from the negative side, as well as the positive.   I like to argue the other party's perspective to myself, to see if I can poke holes in my own opinion, and stay unbiased.  You need to consider opinions from all angles, and don't make a move until your sure the scales have tipped in one direction.